


Guilt burns like fire

by Amrais



Category: Nowhere Boys
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Magic, Self-Harm, another universe, magical thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 16:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amrais/pseuds/Amrais
Summary: Felix feels guilty for his brothers accident, so he takes the punishment for it in to his own hands.He's desperately trying to fix things, but the guilt follows him everywhere, even into another universe...





	Guilt burns like fire

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably not have a lot of readers, because this fandom isn't very big, but I just finished season 2 and I absolutely love these boys. So there you go.  
> English is not my first language, so any Aussie slang is even more foreign to me, so don't expect any.  
> Hope you enjoy.  
> Tw for self-harm via burning...

Felix always has been fascinated by fire. Even before he knew that he was a fire element, even before he knew that he had magic. 

As a kid he had always played with fire, whenever he could get his hands on some matches or a lighter. It often led to his parents scolding him, when they still cared enough about him that they actually kept an eye on him. 

But that changed with the accident. Oscars accident. The one he caused, the one that put his little brother in the wheelchair, without a chance that he would walk around ever again. 

After that, his parents stopped caring. They let him do whatever he wanted. They started to avoid him. Maybe because they were afraid that they would let it slip somehow, that they blamed him, for almost losing their younger son. And of course it had been his fault, even if his parents told him otherwise. He knew that they were thinking the same, but they weren’t saying it.  
Maybe just for Oscars sake, who still loved him with such a sincere brotherly affection, that made Felix incredibly grateful and even more disgusted with himself at the same time. 

He started to burn himself the same night the accident had happened, when Oscar was lying in the hospital bed and no one knew, if he was going to wake up again, or if he would die. But it was pretty certain right away, that he never would be able to walk again. 

Felix had been playing with his lighter for hours, while sitting on these uncomfortable chairs, waiting for news. He couldn’t remember that he made the rational decision to hold the flame under his left forearm.  
He only realized it, when the biting pain of the flame shocked him into jerking his hand away so forcefully, that the lighter flew out of his hand and landed on the floor with a loud clatter.  
His Dad, who had been sitting next to him, had shoot him a disapproving glance, before letting his head sink back down in his hands again.  
But just as Felix had bent down to collect the item again, a doctor came to tell them that Oscar was awake. 

And so burning, letting flames lick on his skin, the hot, itching pain that came with it, became Felix magic trick.  
Whenever he felt he had to be punished for something, he would burn himself, somehow convinced that his pain would make things better.  
Every tear of frustration from Oscar, left another blister on Felix skin. The sad look in his mothers eyes led to another raised burn scar, and the unspoken accusations of his father sparked another open, raw wound.  
Felix was convinced that it helped. He needed to suffer to make his family happy again. And it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it. He was guilty. He needed to be punished. 

He tried the unmaking spell, so that Oscar could walk again. That was his greatest wish, if he could free himself from all that guilt and pain he was feeling, well, that would be a plus, but it really wasn’t his first intention.  
So he wasn’t exactly surprised, that the guilt and pain followed him to the other universe as well.  
Now that he never was born, his brother might was able to walk, but he had brought another three people into his mess. 

So while Sam is freaking out, because he desperately wants to go home, Felix feels the gilt burning him up.  
While the others are passing some sandwiches around, he hands the one that was meant for him to Sam, who accepts it happily.  
“Guys, I need some quiet to go through this.” He says, holding up Alice’s book of shadows.  
The others murmur in slight protest, but they leave him on his own nonetheless.  
Slipping out of his leather gloves, he prepares himself for the pain to come. Maybe this kind of magical thinking is not going to help any of them, but Felix strongly believes that it does. And if nothing more, it will jolt him back into concentration. They need to find a solution! 

Breathing in deeply, he holds his wrist over one of Phoebes countless candles. It’s the most vulnerable part of his arm, the skin white and soft and so thin, that he can see the blood vessels just underneath.  
The heat is biting sharp into his skin and he has to resist the urge to draw it back, when he hears a gasp, coming from the door.  
He looks up the same moment he quickly draws away and hides his injured, burning wrist behind his back.  
“Jake, what are you doing here?” His voice weavers, despite his efforts to sound normal.  
Jake stares at him with wide eyes and his mouth open.  
“What are you doing, Felix?” He asks slowly, taking a step in Felix' direction.  
Felix, on the other hand, takes a step back.  
“Just testing a spell.” Felix tries.  
“That requires burning yourself? Let me see!” He says, his eyes fixed on the book of shadows, that lies still unopened on the table.  
Felix feels himself blushing, he has been caught.  
Now Jake is looking directly at him.  
“Don’t lie Felix, show me your hand!" He demands reaching out for Felix, but the dark haired boy only shakes his head.  
“Please Jake, don’t do that.” He pleads, while trying to move past Jake inconspicuously. But Jake, the great footballer, gets the intention.  
“Guys?” He yells into the other room. “Can you come here for a minute?”  
Immediately Andy and Sam appear behind him. Curiously peering over Jakes shoulder.  
“What’s going on?” Andy asks, looking from Felix to Jake and back to Felix.  
“Yeah dude, what’s the problem? I was just trying to get Phoebe to make me another sandwich.” Sam complains.  
“Well, I just walked in on the freak burning his wrist.” Jake says, but it doesn’t sound as mean as he’s intended it to sound. Quite the contrary, it sounds concerned.  
“What?” Sam and Andy are asking simultaneously.  
“It’s non of you business.” Felix struggles to sound as arrogant as ever, when he’s just that close to crying. The wrist he’s still hiding behind his back is burning quite viciously and he needs to take a look at the damage, but he can’t with his friends standing there looking at him in shock.  
“Just leave me be.” He says, lifting his head up high and attemps to stalk out of the door. But he doesn’t get far.  
Jake grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him to sit on the red velvet settee. He struggles against Jakes grip and nearly succeeds in shaking him of, but in the last moment Sam and Andy are coming to Jakes aide. Against all three of them, he has no chance.  
Jake pulls at his arm, surprisingly gentle. And then all three of them are looking at the reddish brown burn mark, stretching the skin tenderly.  
It will become a blister in the next few days, filled with a clear liquid, extremely raw and painful. Felix knows that from experience.  
“Why did you do that?” Andy whispers. While Sam and Jake only stare. "Maybe it was an accident?" Sam offers, like always ready to give the benefit of a doubt, but Jake shakes his head. "It wasn't an accident. I saw it happen. He did it on purpose. But Felix, please tell us, why would you do that?"  
“It’s my fault we are here and sometimes when I punish myself, things are getting better.” Felix tries to explain.  
Jakes fingers ghost over all the slightly darker spots of previous burns on Felix’ pale skin.  
“You know that this is a freakish thing to do?” He asks, and while his mouth says it rudely, his eyes are speaking a much more concerned language and his fingers are soft and comforting.  
“It’s magic.” Felix snaps.  
“No, it’s not.” Andy disagrees. “It’s self harm.”  
Felix shakes his head vigorously. “It’s not. It really isn’t. It helps. It’s my fault Oscar can’t walk anymore and it’s my fault that we are stuck here, so I need to do this. I need to punish myself.” He’s desperate for them to understand, that this isn’t something depressed teenagers are doing, but that it serves a greater purpose. 

“In fact that’s quite common. People that feel guilty for something they have done, are feeling the need to punish themselves through pain.” Andy explains it to Sam, who looks quite confused, in a hushed voice.  
“Thanks for the psychology lesson, Andy.” Jake says sharply over his shoulder. “But how about you shut up and keep an eye on him,” he nods to Felix, “while I go and get something to dress the wound.”  
Andy and Sam both nod and sit down next to him, like some overeager bodyguards. Andy awkwardly places a hand on Felix' back in a insecure gesture of comfort, while Sam grips his shoulder, entirely to tight. Felix, by now, has given up fighting and closes his eyes defeated.  
Then Jake is back with some salve and bandages and carefully puts it on Felix wrist, before wrapping the bandage around it.  
“Don’t do that again, freak. All good?” He says when he's finished, letting go of Felix arm.  
“Is you calling me a freak supposed to make me feel better?” Felix complains, rubbing over the bandage.  
“I tell you what; you promise not to hurt yourself anymore, and I never call you freak again.” Jake holds his hand out for Felix to shake.  
And even though Felix doesn’t do promises, he shakes Jakes hand anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hoped you liked it. If so, I would love to hear it...  
> Kudos and comments are very welcome!!


End file.
